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Last week The Tokyo International Forum hosted the Tokyo Exotic Pet Show. Unlike the white man, Japanese like to spend their money on New Year sales. The timing was chosen for people looking for an interesting pet to give their loved ones this holiday season. Nothing says " I care about you" as much as an actual living, difficult to take care of, exotic pet as a gift.

I bumped into my old friend Satoru Ishii (32), owner of the Flappy Birds Cafe. He now has a dead eyed lack of soul. He also had lost a lot of weight and had aged quite a bit since opening the cafe in early 2014.

Satoru has a way with the birds.

Hey, Satoru, the beastmaster! Long time, no see!

Liquidation sale on all my owls, Prince. 50% off. The Flappy Birds Cafe went under last month and I've been storing all these fuckers in my mom's spare room. The show here a good chance to offload these things. Also, since I got these things I've had a really bad case of phimosis. I'm pretty sure it's connected cause it got better when I had influenza last year and kept away from the shop for 10 days. That shit came back the same day I returned to work. I really hate to get rid of them but owls are really trendy right now, and I need  the cash badly.

I'm coming close to some sales and I've got some of these random assholes trying to talk their friends – and even strangers out of taking one. I'd like to strangle those motherfuckers! I need dough like anyone. I'm in debt up to my hairless asshole, Prince!

Why can't your mother keep them in her place in Ibarakai?

Well, she's old and deaf, but these things screech and shit all night, the neighbors have been complaining and they've gotta go. Also, I need to get rats and rabbits to feed them every night- that adds up. It's like a goddamn battle ground in there, blood and guts sprayed all over the place.

"Owls are great pets, even in small Tokyo apartments"

I've got tarps and plastic up everywhere and it still reeks! I  tried to let a couple go, but they just hung around the neighborhood and attacked small dogs and killed all the crows and a few stray cats, the crows and cats were fine, but the neighborhood association was very upset about the dogs. I had to take them back in before someone killed one. These people up there don't have guns, but they're good archers.

You invested a lot in the place and the owls, I can't believe you're getting rid of them.

Believe it!
I'm in serious debt, Prince. The bank can't repossess animals, so I rented out this section of the show to display and sell my birds and make some quick cash. I also got a bunch of falconry volunteers from Tsukba University to help handle them for the show.

This potential buyer is on the fence. Satoru's charm will get her to buy!

My aim with the Flappy Birds Cafe was the education of urbanites of Tokyo and surrounding areas about owls and their way of life. At today's event I'll also have some educational material on owls, and the attendees will be briefed on why owls are great as pets.

Some shady vendors were even trying to sell ants and turtles they caught in Yoyogi Park!

The profits from the sales today will go to an owl sanctuary working for the species’ conservation- if I make back my investment. Oh, there is no chicken at this event today, they are serving only beef and pork out of respect for our fine feathered friends. That was my idea. Owls are smart as fuck and can sense that shit.

Japanese animal lovers will even keep crows as pets.

I'll find someone to take these if they're cheap enough. Shit, I saw some fat cunt selling a crow for like 200,000 yen over there- granted it did have some white in it.

Owls sound like they'd be awful pets. Are they legal?

Oh, yes. Completely 100% legal. Japan has absolutely no laws about keeping any animal as a pet. Anything is OK, even a rhino if you want. Owls will require 3-5 hours of care a day to keep healthy though- I'm telling the potential buyers it's a lot easier. Once they get attached they won't mind.

If you can tame this tanuki, it might be a cool pet to show off.

A few years ago some old cunt in Tochigi had a pet orangutan- totally legal, but the city got involved when it got free and killed a bunch of dogs in the public parks dog run. Just those little shit dogs, Chihuahuas and dachshunds. The type Japanese women keep as toys. Scared the hell out of the owners, they ran off screaming for their lives while the giant ape tore through the dumb dogs. Cops got involved cause you're not allowed to let them run free in public. He also had to pay the dog owners for punitive damages.

"Owls are great gifts for the special lady in your life."

Why did the Flappy Birds Cafe close?

Why?!?! Godamn Mayor Yuriko Koike is why! Shit was going OK until she got in office and fucked my shit up. Now we have a broad in office, the city is all severe about following the rules before the Olympics. Fuck the Olympics! I've got a business to run. They said I gotta have the birds put away by 7pm everyday!

No reason not to charm the female volunteers during the fire sale.

How can I run a business that closes at 7? The Angry Birds movie bombing also was a factor, I guess. I really thought it was going to drive business up. They released it in Japan with subtitles. Who does that? Who decides to release a foreign children's film with subtitles?

That's fucked up.

These birds are awake all night anyway, they're nocturnal and sleep all day. As far as the public was aware, my owl cafe was raising money for barn owl rehabilitation, haha! And, I said we used only ambassador birds. They are supposed to be under care and supervision of a professional falconer – me, the whole time. It seemed like I did my homework and was looking out for the owls.

Satoru's competition are selling owls for way more!

Also, one of the birds attacked a small dog in front of a full house. It was pretty nasty. I stopped allowing other pets after that. Birds don't know the difference from rats and rabbits and actual people's pets. I never said they were that bright. I'm actually telling potential customers with toddlers and pet cats not to take any of my larger birds home. I'm not a total scumbag- like some of the other vendors I've seen here today.

Freshly caught turtles from Inokashira Park make great stocking stuffers


The Hairy White Prince

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